Mashed Banana

FYI

2012-01-03T14:34:00.000-05:00

My new year's resolution is to write more in 2012. Be forewarned!

Jessica Out and About

2011-03-27T20:30:00.003-04:00

I am sitting at my desk going over the day's attendance when I happen to glance out the window. There walking past is my Jessica. She looks determined but alone. I hesitate, surely her aide is with her but in a second I realize there is no one with her. My heart in my throat, I jump up from my chair and run out the front door to catch up with her as she passes by. She sees me and stops, smiles. I ask her where does she think she is going? I don't expect an answer, she smiles again and takes my hand. I lead her through the daycare into the school to her classroom door. There I see a quiet classroom except for the voice of a fellow student reading aloud from a book. The teacher stands at the head of the classroom, head down following along in her book which she is holding. As I enter, I call her name and she looks up. Her eyes go from me to Jess and a look of horror comes over her face. I explain that Jess had gone through the front doors of the school which had been open because of the nice day and I had caught up with her outside the daycare door. I find out that her aide had been asked to make copies of some materials that would be used by the class later in the day and the teacher had no idea that Jess would take the opportunity to explore.

Jessica was not new to this school. This would be her last year there, however. She was in the 8th grade now and would be moving on to high school in the next year.

I don't know what would have become of Jess if I had not been sitting in my office. What streets she would have crossed, what dangers she would have encountered. Perhaps I should have followed to see where she may have headed. I was too shocked at the time to do anything but what I did.

This past weekend I heard a similar story from a mom of a 14 year old boy who has autism and it reminded me of mine. I spoke to her afterward and we talked about how our children needed supervision at all times. How as mothers we worry that others just don't understand the scope of what can happen when you let your guard down.

Dear Jessica,

2010-10-17T18:40:00.003-04:00

It doesn't seem at all possible but you are now 30 years old! 30 years ago, (when your mom and dad were 30 years younger!), you arrived into our family and became your own person with your own special destiny. We all have reverenced your closeness to what is most intimate in life...and God's closeness to you throughout every day...
You look into each one of us and every time you do, you enter our hearts and even though we do not speak and try to use words about this, we walk with you - carrying you in our hearts.
Jessica, thank you for always placing the flowers of simplicity, sensitivity and solace inside us...thank you for your bouquet! We love you...because you're special!

Love,
Uncle Michael & Aunt Alice

Jessica is 30 years old today...

2010-10-15T22:27:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday, Jess. It has been 30 years since I first gazed into your beautiful blue eyes and counted each finger and toe. There was no doubt of your beauty nor the joy that filled my being. And so began my journey of motherhood. Seems like just yesterday. Your smile is still infectious. You have yet to utter my name something that I have waited a lifetime for. That's okay, I can be patient. I am not giving up on you yet, stranger things have happened. You still struggle to move and I fear you may have arthritic issues as I have. Does your back ache? Does your vision falter? I wish we could find the way that would provide us with the simplest information in the simplest way. I tried to encourage you to want to communicate in some way but no method ever held your interest for long. Where was that motivation? Do you like having pierced ears? Your hair short? The color red? Activities in the past that occupied your time for hours have been neglected and tossed aside. I was so pleased when you gave us indications that you enjoyed snowshoeing. Snowshoeing! You are such a puzzle! You can barely stand up straight and keep your balance when you walk yet you love to snowshoe! Unbelievable. You still hate to feed yourself yet we haven't given up on that either. You sport a feeding tube. A reminder of when you went on a starvation kick protesting moving out of the family home. We felt it was good for you to be less under your parent's wings so that you could find your own. It was a time that was tough on all of us. Eventually you began to eat again. Medications were adjusted to assist with the anxiety attacks (adult tantrums) that you experienced. There was a time when you were put on phena barbitol. No one liked that and when we weaned you, you went through withdrawals. That was not a good time but you got through. You are much heavier now than you were at 20 (aren't we all). Some of this is due to the medications you are on. Watching your food intake keeps you on track and you have come down a bit from being on the heavy side. Recently you have started horse riding therapy. See, new things are still introduced to you in hopes that your motivation will improve to try more new things. I think you like the horse riding. Something Melissa said she might like to try. Sunday we are having a family get together in your honor! I hope you have a good time. There will be balloons, music, family and Christmas lights. All your favorite things. We may even all sing "This Old Man" to you. What will the next 10 years bring? I look forward to sharing more hugs, laughter and tears with you. I pray that you will some day be able to communicate to others what you communicate to me. You were and will always be a gift from above. You have taught all those who have met you many of life's lessons that have improved the quality of life for so many. I picture the ripple of your affect extending world wide. People may not know you like your friends and family do but I am sure the teenager who saw you in the grocery store or the elderly gentleman that you went up to today and grabbed his arm or the woman in the parking lot who watched as you struggled to independently get inside the car to take you home will be moved to form an opinion of how patience, acceptance, tolerance is so important in today's society. Thank you, Jess for teaching all of us to be better people. God bless all the Jessica's out there.

Happy Birthday

2010-07-21T09:06:00.002-04:00

Today is the birthday of my daughter, Melissa. She is 28. Melissa and I have a very deep, strong, emotional bond and this morning I realized why. The thought came to me how a person's character begins forming right from birth. When Jess was born, she needed a lot of coaxing. I couldn't even help by pushing the right way as I was so numb from the epidural that I couldn't even feel how or what I was pushing! And hasn't that been the way throughout her life. Me trying my best to coax her out and her resisting all the way.

But Melissa, well she didn't need any coaxing whatsoever! Where Jessica waited until the last possible moment of her due date to arrive (11:59pm), Melissa had to make her presence known a week early! She let me know in no uncertain terms that she wanted out and she wanted out now!

Koosh and I arrived at the hospital at 10:55am and she was born by 12:05pm! I had barely enough time to be prepared (in fact they skipped some steps, truth be known) and by the time they were giving me the epidural, I was pushing. The epidural had no time to work and I felt my body's response and worked with Melissa to see her safely out. We worked so hard together and when she was born I felt the release, the relief and the emotion of a job well done.

And so she has been all her life. The "me do it" attitude is still present today. When she commits her mind to something (or someone), it's committed for better or worse. Although she is strongly independent, our bond is still there. She is quick to give me a call to vent, ask advice (which she doesn't always agree with), and share her stories knowing that I will try to be objective. We still work together. We support each other. We are proud of each other.

Although our religious views may be quite different, I have to share this with you. I believe in God. One can't have children like Jessica and Melissa and not.

Happy Birthday, Melissa! I love you and carry you in my heart always. xoxoxo

The Wheels on the Bus...

2010-05-09T21:23:00.000-04:00

This story is dedicated to all the Suzannes out there:

I have mentioned before the many special friends we had in Eganville. Claire and Jane were 2 of those. Koosh had known Claire and Jane growing up. As it turned out, our first house was a couple of doors down from theirs on Wellington Street. Claire and Jane had 2 daughters, Alison and Suzanne. Alison was about 13 years old when Jess was born, Suzanne a few years younger.

When Jess started going to Eganville Public School, I would drive her to the Child Development Center in the morning and then take her to EPS for the afternoon. Melissa at this time was going to EPS in the morning and would go to Mrs. Schruder's for the afternoon until I got back from school.

After all this running around for a couple of years, both Jess and Melissa were going to school on a full day basis being in grades 1 + 2. In order for me not to have to run back and forth to Pembroke which was a half hour away, I enlisted the help of Suzanne to ride with Jess on the bus to school.

From what I remember, Suzanne would be picked up first and be on the bus when it got to our house. She would be standing at the top of the stairs when the bus door opened and between the two of us we got Jess up the stairs. Melissa would follow, independently of course and I would wave good-bye. Some mornings went smoother than others but I never heard Suzanne complain. I don't recall her being sick either. She was always there.

I was thinking of that the other day and since I had reconnected with Suzanne on Facebook, I asked her if she could tell me what she was thinking during that time and how things really worked out for her. The following is an email I received from her a few days later ~

Hey Kate,
Wow.. memories of riding the bus with Jess... that seems like a lifetime ago! I can remember in the mornings as you and Jess and Melissa (Melly, at the time - now, all grown up!) were waiting for the bus, that I would be peek ahead to see what kind of morning we might be in for. If Jess was unhappy ("tantruming") I could tell it would be a very long 3 minute ride! There were other mornings when she would climb on to the bus with a smile, and I would get one of her one-of-a-kind kissses and hugs, and she would laugh as we'd play "Are we in the dark?" as I covered our eyes together. Then, on other mornings, she'd be content to quietly sit and look out the window until we got to school and we'd march on in to see Mrs. MacMillan. It was interesting (or annoying and offensive at the time) how kids around us would notice or comment, or whatever about Jess being different... but didn't all of us kids have mornings when we'd be in a great mood, or a lousy mood, or just be quiet and contemplative?
Some of my most vivid memories of riding the bus with Jess were when some afore mentioned child would inevitably try to make fun of Jess. Before I would ever have a chance to make a comment, Melly would defend her big sister, never afraid to tell off even the grade 8 kids!! You go, girl! It sure is nice reminiscing, as your family were all very special to me as well. If you'd like to pick my brain about anything else, feel free to ask. love Suzanne

I am sure I never properly thanked Suzanne for what she did for my girls. Looking back I can see it was so much more than just riding on the bus with Jess. Suzanne has a child of her now and she is a beautiful mom.

I tell this story as a reminder to thank those along the way who express a kind word, stops to give a hug, reads a story or rides the bus with your children. They are all part of the family circle. Thanks, Zannie!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's out there!

In Praise of Small "Doings"

2010-03-20T09:17:00.000-04:00

I put each of Jessica's hands on my shoulders then pull her pants down. When I get them to her ankles, I lift her left foot out. I do the same to her right foot. She is now ready to get into the tub. She squeels her delight. Okay Melissa, your turn. Hands on my shoulders, pull her pants down to the ankles, reach for the left foot - what just happened? Her foot is up and out and I didn't even touch it! In fact she puts it down brings up her right foot, takes that one out pushes the pants out of the way. Awestruck, I help her into the tub with her sister, both laughing and splashing. For over 3 years I have been performing the above routine. My appreciation for Melissa grows stronger.

I relate this tale for parents everywhere to relish these small accomplishments. They are remarkable and there are so many of them! We take note of first smiles, crawls, steps, words, those are biggies for sure but we need to keep our eyes wide open for what we may tend to overlook.

We hear a baby's first cry shortly after birth and we know a miracle. An act so simple and complex at the same time.

I thank God for Melissa everyday. If it was not for her, Koosh and I may never known such small miracles. Every action had so much more meaning knowing that Jessica may never perform them. Running, playing tag, playing in the sandbox, baking, shopping, reading a story - aloud! Oh there are so many! We savored and praised every one of them!

Thanks to Jessica, we appreciated Melissa so much more. Something I took with me in my career of early childhood. Something I shared with other parents. And to think we almost decided to have no more children after Jess. What we would have missed out on!

Children are such gifts, aren't they? We need to address all their needs so that they are prepared to inherit this planet. Have we done that? Have we given them the tools to make healthy choices? Are we preserving what we have so that they can benefit as we have?

God bless these treasures we call children!

Everything but words...

2010-02-07T12:01:00.002-05:00

Jessica may not have been able to talk but she could communicate. She did it with her eyes, her mouth, her gestures, her feet, her sounds, her touch. Just thinking of it is overwhelming. People wonder how my intuition is so strong, it is because of the training I received from Jess on how to communicate without talking. I struggle to describe it. I know her inside out.

When Jessica was finished her meal she would lift her right hand and point to the hanging basket filled with bananas. One day I fed her downstairs while visiting with my brother. When she finished she lifted her right hand to point to where the hanging basket of bananas would have been. I replied that I would get her a banana and she became content. I looked at my brother who was staring at me awestruck. "How could you have known that?" he asked. It took me a second to understand what he was referring to. I explained to him about the basket of bananas, the end of meal, etc. He shook his head and replied that how would anyone else have known that.

That is what worried me. I knew Jess' "signals" so well but taken out of context with anyone else, Jess would definitely have a hard time making her needs known.
It was hard teaching Jess other modes of communicating. She had no desire. I tried to use incentives - another bite of pudding? would prompt her to point to the "Yes" on her placemat. Teachers tried to expose her to computers and adaptive devices but she would have no part of it. If she showed any interest at the beginning, she would not maintain her enthusiasm and it would be like starting all over.
The communication bond between us never faltered. It was a blessing and a curse at the same time. I could almost hear her screaming her frustration all around me and inside of me at the same time.
I brought more people into her life in hopes that someone would have an approach that would work for her. She knew a few signs - and used them! To hear the song, "This Old Man" she would sign 'old'. She signed 'shoes' to go outside. And her favorite was 'finished' which she signed whenever she was done with something. Especially when she was 'done' trying to go to the bathroom. These few signs helped a bit.
It pains me to know that I haven't found a way for her to communicate to others. Did I miss something? Did I never find out the right treatment? Should I have taken her to another place? Find the right people? Was I a good mom?
I tell myself that I did my best, I used all the resources that were available to me at the time, I hung in there. It just doesn't seem good enough but in the end 'it is what it is'.

The Light Switch

2010-01-30T13:25:00.001-05:00

The behaviors that Jessica displayed never ceased to amaze me. It was always a challenge to me to figure out how to decrease the behaviors that were inappropriate or unsafe and increase the behaviors that enhanced her quality of life.
Jessica used to like to get up in the middle of the night and play. Doesn't seem to be to too disturbing but I knew she was not getting the rest she needed to develop. (Neither were we.) Besides, the next day she would be falling asleep during lunch interfering with her diet and the whole cycle would start again.
I would go into her room, shut the light off and sometimes rock her and sing lullabies. I would put her back to bed, remind her to sleep. And leave. A few minutes later I would hear her again and walk down the hall to discover her light was on again.
I wondered, what if the light stayed off. Light on = play; light off = sleep. Sounds logical.
The next night I unscrewed the ceiling light bulb. (The wall light switch was the only kind she could work.) I had made sure the night time routine had been completed before I did this dastardly deed. Jess thought it most amusing to see mom on a chair unscrewing the light bulb. All the while I talked about sleep and it being night time. After I tucked her in, kissed her good night and wished her asleep, I walked out of the room. All was quiet.
During the night, I did hear her get up. I walked to her door and heard her try the switch. When the light did not go on she sounded her displeasure. I reminded her from the other side of the door that it was night time and time to go to sleep. She complained a bit longer but settled down and went back to sleep.
Could it be this easy? Yup!
From this point on she hardly ever woke up in the middle of the night again. When she did, whe would try the switch and go back to bed. After we were sure that this was working (and I was getting a little tired of screwing the bulb in and screwing the bulb out), we decided to move the light switch to the outside of the room. No more fiddling with light bulbs. How clever!

Meetings

2009-12-27T12:14:00.001-05:00

In Jess' first year, I participated in many meetings. Meetings with school staff, meetings with psychologists, hospital speech therapists, hospital physical therapists, and the Administration of the District. Beth and I kept a 'Communication Book' that we kept information in about how Jessica did in school and home. This is a most valuable tool. It helped us track the direction her mood took and when to expect visits to the bathroom or how the lack of visits could influence her day. We were able to identify environmental issues that impacted Jessica's day. Beth also kept me informed of meetings and who had come to observe Jessica.
When it came time for Jessica's IEP (Individual Education Plan) meeting in May, I felt I was prepared for whatever may happen. I arrived at the school about 20 minutes early, checked in with Beth (who wasn't invited to the meeting?) and was directed to sit on this chair that was placed in the hall outside the meeting door. I watched as teachers and students walked by and participants of the meeting went in. When everyone who was part of this meeting had been shown to their seat, I was allowed to join them, at the end of the table.
The usual introductions were made and then one by one the teacher, psychologist, principal, superintendent, and Special Education Director made their point as to why they felt Jessica would progress in a different setting, in another school, in another town. I patiently listened and took notes. The language that would have confused me a year ago became so much more important to me because I could now use it right back. My ECE training was kicking in.
When it came my turn to speak, I took my time. Slowly I took each participants argument and debated the points they had made. I took particular exception to the fact that Jessica had gotten through the year without having any of the supports offered her that should have been. How could they possibly recommend another placement when this placement had not even supported her with the services she needed? No speech therapy? No behavior management? In my conclusion, I firmly stated that Jessica deserved another year in her community school with the supports that she needed. There was no argument.
Afterwards, the Superintendent came over to me and said "I don't ever want to be in that position again. You are a remarkable advocate for your daughter." He also mentioned that it was his goal to have parents and the school community work as a team to make sure Jessica is successful in her placement. I thanked him and said that if he truly wanted the parents to feel welcome at these proceedings, he would let parents enter the room when they arrive and choose their own seat. Immediately he understood where I was coming from. I never waited in the hall again and to my knowledge, noone else did either. Terry and I became very good friends and we have never lost respect for each other since that day.

Settling on a School

2009-08-03T21:51:00.003-04:00

Jessica learned a lot at the Child Development Center. The staff addressed her physical needs and tried their best to promote chewing, speaking and interactive play. Jess was indeed a challenging soul. She attended the CDC from the age of 2-6 yrs of age. Just before she turned six, Melissa turned 4 yrs and was ready to start Junior Kindergarten at the Public School. I debated whether to put her in the Catholic school but since Koosh was not Catholic, most of his friends that we had come to know, weren't as well. These friends had children attending the public school.

At the same time, I knew I should decide which educational route I would take with Jessica. And along the same veins, I decided that Jessica should go to a school where children knew her and accepted her and that school was our town's public school.

Many of the staff of the public school were very close friends. I talked to the principal and it was decided that Jessica would start her journey in the educational system by attending the CDC in the morning and the Junior Kindergarten in the afternoon. I enrolled Melissa in the morning program of the Junior Kindergarten so that she could focus on her own transition to becoming a student.

Staff (even friends) were concerned about my decision. Would Jessica's needs be addressed to ensure developmental success. I believed the alternative, sending Jessica to a special needs class over 30 minutes drive away to spend time picking up more behaviors from other children just like her, was not a good idea. At the public school, I felt that she would be exposed on a daily basis to typical behaviors of children, some of whom she knew.

Staff in the District office empathized with my concerns and whether they decided to humor me or not, they allowed Jessica to enroll and granted her a full-time teacher's aide. Jessica was the first child in the district to be granted such a request. I really don't think they thought she would last.

And so Beth came to work with Jessica. Beth had her Early Childhood Education (ECE) that gave her many skills to address Jessica's needs. And at the same time, I enrolled in a Community College in the ECE program myself.

So here we were, Melissa, Jessica and myself all embarking on an educational journey together. My being in the ECE program helped in so many ways. For Melissa, she thought that it was the norm that we both went to school even if it was 2 different schools. When we got together at the end of the day, we would compare what we had learned. Because of the field of study I was pursuing, I could bring home 'circle' activities that I had learned and she would do the same. It was amazing. As for Jess, I became familiar with developmental 'jargon' that the school psychologist was always using.

At the end of our school year, Jessica's teachers forewarned me that they were going to recommend the special needs program in the next town where they felt her needs would be better addressed. I was very upset. I could see that Jessica was making progress and she was making friends. I would need to do my homework if I was to convince them that they should keep her in her community school.

Rug People

2009-07-21T12:52:00.002-04:00

Jessica had some strange actions. Very bizarre that would leave you wondering 'what is she doing? seeing? thinking?' One example of this was when she would drop to the floor in a crawling position, look at the floor and burst out laughing. She did this quite often. You would swear their was a TV monitor in the floor. One day Melissa asked me why she does this and I said she is watching the "rug people". This became the running joke any time Jess would display this behavior. One has to see the humor, don't you think? She seemed to be watching something, who knows? Melissa and I would make up stories as to what the rug people might be doing to make Jess laugh so.

Sometimes she would hear a noise and freeze and move at the same time. Can't picture that? Well she would be so rigid that she vibrated then she would quickly turn, run to the couch and laugh. Honest, she kept us in stitches and moments like this were so important when in the next breath she could be tantruming to beat the band.

These moments gave us something enjoyable to hold onto. We would go to great lengths to discover more of what would make her smile and laugh. We were a family who valued laughter very much. Nothing was off limits and if you made a mistake you could be sure it would be poked fun of and not in a mean way, a way so that you would not take the situation so seriously. If you can't find the humor in life, it can be quite sad.

So I guess I just wanted to reveal that Jessica brought a lot of humor to our family and we are grateful.

My Child is Challenged

2009-07-10T07:40:00.005-04:00

Being a parent of a special needs child carries such a mixed bag of emotions, responsibilities, judgements, disappointments, expectations, just to mention a few. An acquaintance once remarked that I had "such a cross to bear". I would never have termed it so and I responded that until you have the experience of having a child with challenges, you have no idea of the blessings they bring to a family.

Each member of my family has been influenced to some degree by Jessica, of this I am sure. And because Koosh and I have tried to be as positive as our capabilities allowed, I believe the influences have been for the most part, very positive.

My niece, Kathy, was acquiring a degree in Education and when she was in a class that encompassed behavior management, she aced it because of the summer she had spent assisting me with Jess' programs. In our many visits with Jess' cousins, they displayed such patience and empathy to include her as much as possible in their activities, short of that, they were always talking to her and giving her attention.

Even when she attended school, I was taken aside by one of her teachers one day who told me the following: "As a teacher of this class I was not looking forward to a certain little boy beginning the year with me. For the past 4 years, he has been extremely difficult in all his classes and I feared for my turn with him. But I must tell you, he has taken a shine to your Jessica. I have never seen him so caring and gentle with any other student. I have been able to overcome my preconceived notions on this student because Jessica has brought out this side of him that I have never seen before. I will never prejudge any student again. Any child, given the opportunity, can reveal wonderful things about themselves. I feel blessed to have Jess in my class."

I can not tell you how this made me feel. Very few people "get it". People like Jess come to us to teach us something we would normally not be taught. We need to embrace the wisdom that comes from such a relationship. Jessica is a gift and I am sure anyone reading this knows of a Jessica in their lives that had they not had the interaction, they would not be the person they are today.

Communicating with Jessica reached a whole new level. It was beyond words. It encompassed body language, gestures, feelings and intuition. More on that to come...

Safety

2009-07-07T07:41:00.008-04:00

This past Friday afternoon in Tulsa, Okla., a five-year-old with autism wandered away from home and was tragically killed by a car. This is beyond anyone's scope of a tragedy. It was for this reason that during Jessica's growing up years, her bedroom door had a lock on it, from the outside. Most people supported my decision but there were those who felt it may be abusive. I am going to tell you, I needed to know that my daughter was safe at night so that I could get the rest I needed to cope with the challenges of the next day. I needed to know that if there was a fire, I would be able to find her. Her room was to her like my house was to me and I always locked my house at night.

Before there were locks, I would make sure outside doors were locked at night. I would make sure that the basement door was closed tight, oven was off, coffee maker off, etc. One night I was awakened to a loud thump, thump, thump that could only be someone falling down the basement stairs. I jumped out of my bed with a loud "Oh my God" yelling from my mouth. I knew it was Jess and whether I had left the door ajar or she had finally been able to turn the knob, I do not know. Koosh was right behind, having not heard the thumping but just my yell he was shouting "What, what?" I got to the basement door, it was open and only darkness was beyond. I could not hear a sound. There was a brief instant where I was petrified to turn on the basement light. When I did, I looked down the stairs and there on a mountain of laundry was Jessica smiling up at me. "Aga" she said.

Did I count my blessings? More than once. And then I went to the hardware store and bought a hook and eye for Jessica's door. I was not about to risk that again or something worse. Jessica is older now and living in a family home. She has rights and I am thankful they are attended to. Her family has an alarm on the doors. Works very well. I don't regret putting the lock on her door and will debate anyone who believes that it didn't keep her safer.

The 1st Seizure

2009-07-07T07:37:00.007-04:00

Seems like I was always moving Jessica back from the TV. She would rock back and forth on her tumble form and watch Sesame Street or Mr. Dressup. Giving her thumbs up or thumbs down in her own way.

I have to tell you about her tumble form. It was one of those things that I 'felt' I had to buy her. Ever since she started wearing shoes I would have to uncurl her toes to put her feet in her shoes. For this reason, I would have her wear her shoes as much as possible to keep her toes from curling under. The tumble form was this barrel shaped vinyl form that she could curl her body on and push back and forth with her feet. This helped exercise her toes and I believe reduced the curling a great deal. She got the tumbel form when she was about 3 and after being recovered once, still has it to this day. (Although between her size and the feeding tube, she does not use it much anymore.)

There were times when Jess would leave the tumble form in the middle of the floor and walk up to the TV and get real close. It was one of these times that I glanced in the room to see her fall back with such force that it seemed like the TV pushed her. I went to her but she was already getting up. She laughed a bit grabbed the tumble form and started rocking back and forth to beat the band.

At her next doctor's appointment, I mentioned these episodes (as she had had a couple more). Her doctor thought it may be some form of a seizure and set up an appointment with a neurologist at CHEO (Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario). They performed some tests with lights and also an EEG with lights as well. Her tests came back that indeed she was experiencing some seizure activity. I was grateful that she recovered from each episode so quickly (petit mal) and had no lingering effects afterward. Due to the "knock down" force they thought it would be best to see if depakene. This is an anti-seizure medication in liquid form that she would take in the morning. The dose was low and this infact did help reduce the instance of seizures. Every once in a while though, she would do a kind of head nod and sometimes drop which indicated to me and her team that they were not gone for good.

Speaking of an EEG. That can be a very traumatic test for a young child. Although it is not painful, it requires time to 'glue' the sensors on to their head and other parts of their body. They need to be still and calm during the readings. Jess required a mild sedative to have the test be successful. Because Jess enjoyed music so much, I would always sing to her when she was stressed. It did not matter who was present in the room, I would sing softly and quietly. There were times when staff would join in, many times I received complements on how Jess and I were in such tune with one another. I would give the medication to Jess that she needed as we had such a routine to it. To this day I still love demonstrating the way I would administer medication to Jess as it was over before anyone knew it and nothing got on her or my clothes!

Christmas Past

2009-07-06T16:16:00.002-04:00

My favorite holiday has always been Christmas. The music, the lights, the caring, everyone always seemed to get along. I loved it. After I had children I hoped that they would love it as much as I did. They did.

When they were small, we would chop our own tree from a friend’s farm, not so much fun with Jess, she didn’t really like the trekking into the woods but we tried to keep it a family activity.

I would decorate the whole house. There were decorations for even the bathroom. Jess wasn’t more than 2 when she let it be known that she loved Christmas music and lights. I would lay the string of lights on the floor to test them and she would go into hysterical laughter as soon as even one would light up. I had a cedar chest in front of one of the living room windows and after I framed that window with lights that is where Jess could be found any time of the day. She would sit on that chest staring intently at the lights, flapping a hand to her throat and laughing.

I had collected Christmas albums all my life and come Dec. 1 I would play them all day, much to the chagrin of Koosh. One of Jessica’s favorites was Wayne Rostad – Christmas in the Valley of which there was a different one every year for about 5 years. She also enjoyed Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis (all she had to hear was the first notes of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" and she was in 7th heaven!), Anne Murray etc, etc, etc, - my collection was endless. Jessica so enjoyed the music that we began playing it in the background of our day every day. Whether she had the TV on or not. Whether it was summer or not. I remember one day when the priest came to visit Melissa who was about to make her First Communion. He stepped into our house on this sunny day in June and after a few minutes, cocked his head and asked if that was Christmas music he heard in the background. A bit embarrassed I said "yes it was" and explained how much Jessica enjoyed it. He said “no explanation necessary, happy the home who has Christmas all year round”. I have never forgotten that, it made me feel so privileged.

About 2 weeks before Christmas, we would go get that tree! The getting may have been hard but decorating it that night made it all worthwhile. As soon as we had it upright in the stand, we brought out the lights and once again Jess would get so excited. She would roll her tumble form as close to the tree as possible and rock back and forth looking at the lights and listening to the music. You almost thought she would bust with happiness.

The first few Christmases we would add the tinsel at the end but we gave that up as the static electricity would just make it cling all over Jess who was so close to the tree all the time. She would make her objections known through sounds of anger. We stopped putting it on after that. We also had to do away with the “real” tree and purchased a fake one. Jess would sometimes grab the tree making needles fall. The needles would get stuck in her socks and you guessed it, more objections.

One year she rolled so close to the tree that when she gave it a tug, it fell down on top of her. I was in the kitchen when I heard Melissa scream for me. I ran in to find the tree down and 2 feet sticking out from under it. When I stood up the tree, there was Jess, “aga” she said and smiled.

Feelings

2009-07-06T08:05:00.001-04:00

It is hard to relay to others when you feel you have been born with a special gift. Talent like a beautiful voice, artistry, expression, etc are all skills one can display and not be questioned about. But what if you pick up feelings? In my case the feelings of children. It has only been recently that I have discovered that this gift has been present all my life. It was something that I thought everyone possessed and so for that reason, I would get so frustrated when people misinterpreted what a child needed.

The most misunderstood need is sleep. Children need to be rested to be happy, to be able to cope, to understand the bombardment of concepts in their growing years. It always seems that excuses are being made as to why a child won't nap or go to bed at an early hour (7:30pm-8:30pm). "Johnny doesn't need a nap anymore", those words used to make me cringe when I worked in child care. Johnny may have been anywhere from 2yrs to 5yrs old. If he napped he would give mom or dad a hard time to go to sleep that night so by taking his nap away, the child was so exhausted that mom and dad would have an easier time. Poor Johnny was so tired after his lunch that it took one on one attention just to keep him awake! I am not saying that the child should snooze for 3 or 4 hours but it was clear that he needed to recharge his battery. The afternoons were filled with reminders to get along with others, share, we don't bite our friends, we don't hit our friends or just plain whining and crying that could not be controlled. Is it any wonder that Johnny would fall asleep on the way home and barely eat his supper if he could stay awake for supper at all?

Rather than take a look at what the routine was just before bed, the mom or dad would rather the child go through a horrible afternoon! Sometimes children wake up completely refreshed in 30 minutes. Sometimes children just need an hour. Rested children are happy children. Bedtime may be a challenge but a child should not reach the point of exhaustion in order to be able to fall asleep at night. What kind of adult will this child become?

I guess I am in for it now..."my child is healthy and doesn't nap" someone will say and if that child is happy and able to cope throughout the afternoon, I will totally agree. This is not for you. But if your child is face first in his supper plate, you may want to rethink the no nap policy. And I am talking about the night after night group. Every child will have an exhausting day from time to time but when it is day after day?

Children do have a hard time settling down for naps most of the time. They have been playing hard all morning and now we want them to relax. Hard but not impossible and the rewards are many. Friends used to ask how I was able to settle children down when their efforts proved fruitless. I used to try to explain how to read their body language. Get in their motion. Patting backs to their rhythm. People would look at me and wonder what the heck I was talking about. I thought I was explaining myself very well. But I observed others using my techniques but not paying attention when the child didn't respond and then not changing the technique to meet the child's need.

I would say that you need to rub his back lower/higher/softer/deeper/in a rocking motion. They would say, "but how do you know that?". I just did. Once the child developed a routine, it got easier but before then, you could be assisting that child to relax for up to 30 min. but you are not just "putting them to sleep", you are helping them to recognize their body signals, teaching them to control themselves and reach inner peace. It's a beautiful thing.

New Shoes!!!

2009-06-30T07:25:00.002-04:00

One day I went to visit my friend Janet. While we were visiting, the mail arrived which included a package. Janet’s 4 year old daughter, Hillary, was very interested in what was in the package. Janet and I played with Hillary’s imagination by asking her what she thought it might be and she replied “new shoes”. I don’t remember what the contents turned out to be but what I do remember is that Hillary wanted to keep closing the package up, have us ask her what could be inside and the reply was always the same “new shoes”. Janet and I were cracking up with laughter. Even the thought that ‘shoes’ would be the item Hillary would pick every time just brought smiles all round.

I thought of that day many times when Jess was little. She too had a fascination with shoes. Her favorites were the pairs of sneakers that I would buy her. Her first pair was white, then I got her a pair of blue and finally a pair of red. Each pair was a bit bigger as she outgrew them. I dared not get rid of the too small pairs as these shoes became one of her favorite toys. She would turn them over and over in her hands and laugh. One day she brought a shoe up to her mouth. I jokingly shouted to her “don’t eat your shoe!” which caused her to go into such a belly laugh that when she brought the shoe up to her mouth again, I did the same thing. This became one of her favorite games with me and if I wasn't watching, she would “aga” me to get my attention so that I could shout the phrase “don’t eat your shoe!” again.

She started to ‘eat’ other things just to hear me shout out: “don’t eat your pillow!” “don’t eat your sock!” “don’t eat your book!” Always prompting her to laugh like there was no tomorrow. Did I tell you how much I love to hear her laugh?

Water

2009-06-24T20:53:00.002-04:00

Ever since Jess was an infant, she loved water. I would give her baths in the kitchen sink and she would slap the water and laugh. When she was big enough, she took her bath in the tub. We would put any plastic toy in with her and she would play. By the time she was 2 years, she could stay happy in her bath for over an hour. She loved it so much that I would add warm water to let her play longer.

She liked laying on her stomach looking at her hands moving underneath the water. I would put a facecloth in the water and she loved taking it out and watching it drip. Water made her happy. I would sing to her "Splish Splash I was taking a bath..." and her laughter could be heard throughout the house (or was it mine because when Jess was in the tub, everyone was happy).

One night I had just put Jess in the tub and went to get some towels. Melissa came up behind me and asked if she could get in the tub (they loved to take baths together). I told her she could and lickety split she was in the tub, clothes and all.

In the summer time we started with the wading pools. We could enjoy the fresh air all day as long as there was a pool of water to play in. One day I even cut her hair while she was in the pool, it was the most cooperative she had ever been throughout the process.

Wading pools got bigger as the girls grew and before you knew it, one summer we purchased an above ground pool. Jess was about 10 and Melissa 8. Jess still wore her swimmies but Melissa was a good swimmer. Having this pool was the best decision we had ever made. It benefited our family so much. It was the one activity that we could do as a family. Whether Koosh and I were in the water with them or sitting deckside reading a book while on "watch" everyone enjoyed the experience. As Melissa got older, she invited her friends over and there was always someone around modeling social behavior to Jess. Jess loved the interactions. We had many friends who also had children from babies to teens and we all played with Jessica. We even added a heater which prolonged the season for us and also provided Koosh and I with some nice private swims in the evening.

Spending time in the pool could really turn a tantrum filled day around. I can't imagine our lives without the enjoyment we got from our pool.

It really does take a village...

2009-06-19T13:59:00.002-04:00

Koosh and I had made our home in the small town that Koosh grew up in. Koosh was well liked and had many friends. Being an ‘out-of-towner’, I was grateful that his friends were so nice and, well, friendly. I felt that I fit right in.

Everyone was happy when Koosh and I started our family. Most of them had already started theirs and became great resources of advice to us. In fact, there were many whose families consisted of 2 girls so when we had likewise, we also reaped the benefits of a very nice wardrobe. I don’t think I needed to purchase a stitch of clothing until my girls were almost 10!

Although we had many benefits to having friends with children, there was also the realization that our family was limited in the activities we could participate in as a family. We watched as other families enjoyed outings that we could only dream of. Even the experience of going to a restaurant, all four of us, became extremely difficult. We spent many hours visiting other families – Barb and Denny who had Lindsay and Leslie; Claire and Jane who had Allie and Suzanne; Shig and Jean who had Susie; Elaine and Ron who had Jennifer and Justin; and many more gave us the opportunity to share in their family experiences even if it was in their homes or ours. Many of them had pools and swimming was the thing that Jess enjoyed the most!

There were times when I observed other families complaining about the restrictions that they endured for one reason or another and I would want to shake them. “Look at what you got!” I felt like shouting at them. “Don’t take these moments for granted!” But the friends above got it. They loved one another and never took one moment for granted. I would like to think that there were times when they would think of our limitations and count their blessings, I am sure they did. But they gave us so much more. They accepted the fact that even with our limitations, we were a family and we were doing our best. And with all of Jess’ challenges, we loved each other very much. And I will always be grateful to them.

In Praise...

2009-06-14T12:23:00.003-04:00

Dr. Ken was to provide me with consultation for the next 10 years. As with most autistic children, treatment is ongoing. New situations evoke new or for that matter old behaviors which need to be addressed. Dr. Ken's advice was to make me a better person, able to understand behaviors of all children. I have applied his advice many times over with positive results. I am not saying that I always agreed with Dr. Ken and he would be the first to say otherwise. I became his "devil's advocate" as much as he became my "savior". I was able to help other children because of my experience under Dr. Ken as well as despite of it. I like to think that I was able to acquire a deeper level of intuitive understanding and apply it.

"Behavior Modification" conjures up more debates in this society than not. I believe that there is much to learn and that it provides many tools that parents should have in there "toolbox". People believe it is a cold application and negates where children are on a developmental level. I like the way it cuts to the chase. Is the behavior appropriate or not? If not, talking about how it is not can be highly overrated and I guess I will be taken to task for saying so.

Dr. Ken used to say that the biggest mistake is to be constantly on a child to do the appropriate thing. Children will behave appropriately many times and it is up to us to acknowledge this to the child - "catch them when they're good". Balance of "catching them when they're good" and addressing inappropriate behavior is really the basis of success. Deep rooted in this is consistency.

I have always believed that children are a gift and should be granted respect from birth. There simply is no future without them. Rules in my house have always been realistic and expected. Children know where they stand in my company. Appropriate behavior gets praise, smiles, hugs, enjoyment, play...you name it. Inappropriate behavior results in consequences. Pure and simple and for the most part, guess what children will choose?

God bless the children, sometimes they understand it better than the adults...

Behavior, B Word

2009-06-08T07:15:00.001-04:00

Dr. Ken's third task was to address tantrums. These were not your everyday tantrums, they were self injurious and violent. As I have said, Jess would bite herself in anger or frustration. Mostly her hands, but she would bite her arms as well leaving bruises. When she would bite her hands, she would put the front side of her hand in her mouth just above the thumb and violently pull it out leaving large welts which became open sores. To wrap her hands only made her angrier but at least would allow her hands to heal somewhat until she worked the bandages off.

Other times in anger she would throw herself backwards on the floor and bang the back of her head relentlessly. Any move to stop her would result in more anger and the chance of being bitten as well. It is a painful situation on so many levels.

Dr. Ken began by showing me how to restrain Jess without hurting her or myself. Sitting behind her with legs crossed over her and holding her arms crossed over herself was very effective. You did have to watch that you position yourself slightly askew so that her head could not find contact with your breastbone as it has been discovered by many that a broken breastbone is very painful.

This restraint had to be performed with any tantrum that could not be controlled by any other means - time out chair, ignoring. Using other means were always the primary goal. Sometimes Jess did respond to ignoring for any kind of contact, if only a look, she would take as attention and would only repeat the inappropriate behavior. As I mentioned before and I think it is important to mention again, eye contact to a child is affirmation that this behavior will get attention. This is not good.

To use the time out chair, proved a little more difficult than 'typical' children as well. You could not just say "go sit in the chair and calm down". If the chair was used, Jess would need to be physically encouraged to sit on it. This did not work the best and you would spend more time holding her which did not give her the right message either.

No, if she was hurting herself and others, it more often than not resulted in full restraint until she calmed down.

The important thing to remember is that you have to try to fill the day with opportunities for appropriate behavior so that you didn't have to address inappropriate behavior all the time.

"Aga"

2009-05-27T20:40:00.004-04:00

At the age of 1 month, Jessica was smiling. I loved to make her smile. She seemed to love smiling. When she was about 1 year old she said "hi". I would walk into her room each morning and she would say "hi". It never ceased to give me goose bumps. I encouraged her to say more - dadadada, mom, anything but it was just "hi". This lasted a few months and then it was gone. She never spoke again. She had seemed to want to say more but it just never came. "Hi" became this noise like "hunkkkk" and she would go through the house making this sound all day. I never stopped encouraging her and she enjoyed me saying words to her and she did develop her own approximation - "aga". She would make the 'aga' sound if she wanted you to do something again or if she wanted your attention or if there was something you said maybe an hour ago and she wanted you to say it again. You can see, there was a lot of room for error and this, in many cases led to tantrums of frustration when her needs were not meant. Not to mention feelings of inadequacy as a parent that I could not figure out what she wanted.

She received speech therapy to help her. Speech development depends on many things and one of them is being able to chew. A person needs to know how to use your mouth in many ways, blowing, smacking, biting. All these little skills contribute to the mouth developing so that it can speak and vice versa. This was to be one area that would remain undeveloped into her adulthood and probably for life.

To Chew or not To Chew

2009-05-15T21:49:00.008-04:00

I have told you that Dr. Ken wanted me to identify 3 behaviors that we should address first. I had chosen sleep, tantrums and eating. We tackled sleep and I have given you the basics about that - more to come. Today I would like to speak about eating.

Jessica always had a love hate relationship with eating. She was first introduced to cereal at the ripe old age of 6 weeks. A friend suggested I introduce a teaspoon of rice cereal at night to help her sleep. She seemed to take to it and indeed it did seem to help her sleep a little longer, like her stomach was full and she was content. By the time she was 6 months she would have a little dish. Sometimes she would eat what they called 'Farley's biscuits'. They were a large cookie/biscuit that dissolved in liquid. I used her formula or warm water.

By the time she was a year she was enjoying many different tastes including apple sauce, pureed pears, baby food and of course her rice cereal. Now any seasoned parent might pick up the fact that their was something missing here. Finger foods, yes. Jess did not do finger foods. In fact she had no desire at all to even hold her spoon. I would try to give it to her but she would not close her hand around it. I was to learn that this fell into the category of tactile defensive. Jess did not like the feel of it inside her hand.

This was one of the big reasons why Melissa became so good at independent eating. Melissa had no interest in soft foods. She nursed and then thrived on the bottle until almost a year and she became really good with finger foods. If I was to try to feed her with a spoon, she would grab the spoon in a blink of an eye and show me how to use it. Unbelievable.

But Jess would continue to be fed. It became apparent to me that there was another crucial skill that Jess was lacking...she was not chewing. She would mouth the food a bit but then swallow it right down. This can not be good. How do you teach a child to chew?

At the age of 3 1/2 years, Jessica was still being fed. She would only eat if I gave her pudding between each bite and if I sang to her. Her favorite songs were "If you're happy and you know it" and "This old man". And oh by the way, her food needed to be mashed as she still was not chewing. I shake my head as I write this. We had certainly gotten ourselves in a groove. Dr. Ken had his work cut out for him.

Dr. Ken wanted me to start having Jess hold the spoon. I would do this by putting her hand on the spoon and putting my hand over hers. This is called 'hand over hand'. Jess usually responded to this by pushing my hand away, screaming and then bringing her other hand to her mouth to bite herself. I can not tell you how intense this simple task got. I always felt I had gone 10 rounds with Mohamed Ali after every feeding session. The main thing was to never lose your cool. This would only complicate the whole process. We would go back and forth like this for no more than 45 minutes than everything was put away. If I felt that Jess was hungry, I could start the process again after an hour. Man I was tired, and emotionally drained. Should such a basic need be so complicated?

It would be months before Jess would allow me to keep my hand over hers on the spoon. During that time I was to allow more lumps in her food in the hopes that she would start using her teeth. I gradually increased the lumpiness. Instead of using a hand blender, I would use a fork to mash her food. Chewing still eluded her, I once said that I would have the only child who could swallow an egg whole. We tried sticking things on to her teeth - peanut butter with a little bread for example, in hopes that she would work it off using her teeth but it was always her tongue that got the workout.

How do your children grow?

2009-05-11T21:53:00.004-04:00

It is hard for parents to ask for help addressing problem behaviors of their child. For some reason we feel that we are incompetent parents if we don't have all the answers. Many problems have been addressed in many ways by many parents; we can learn from this. However, we must always keep in mind that even though the problems may be the same, the children are all different. This is what makes it such a challenge. Children are not Rubik cubes. How blessed we are as parents to have very unique individuals to marvel at. Sometimes we can be so lost in the magic of it all that we forget we need to teach children every basic skill.

Children do learn to eat but eating healthy is up to us to teach. Children will sleep but to be able to identify their body's signs of fatigue is up to us to teach. Even eliminating waste is automatic but learning to do it in a way that is accepted by society is up to us to teach. These are really difficult skills to teach. A parent needs to be patient and understand when their child is developmentally ready to learn. This can be very different from child to child and no one knows this better than I.

The means in which I taught Jess were very different than my approach to Melissa. I will tell you, one thing I needed to develop and be very strong with was consistency. That is what I have discovered works for any child. A parent who is inconsistent confuses their child. A confused child is an apprehensive child, never really knowing what the outcome will be. They act a certain way one day and elicit one response, and another day a different response. A child's psyche is very fragile and needs parameters. Some call it discipline, which should never be confused with punishment.

I have cared for many children who thrived when I responded the same way every time a certain behavior was displayed. They loved the way I would balance catching them when they were good and disciplining them when their behavior was inappropriate. They could always count on me to do what they thought I would. It became very easy to increase the appropriate behaviors while decreasing the inappropriate. But I hinted at the following in my very first blog, I heard what they wanted. I could pick up their vibes as to how I could get the response that I wanted from them.

I could visit a home and right away pick up how a child was feeling. A parent might mention that the child was never taking naps, and look how active the child was, obviously the child was not sleepy but I say to you that I knew the child was exhausted. I saw a child who was heading towards the point of no return. They had no control over what they were doing. Maybe the child became destructive, violent, weepy, whiny, overactive, under active, there are so many signs but it all boiled down to exhaustion. Sleep is extremely important in a child's development and should never be left up to the child to decide when, where or how long. A parent needs to take control and assist the child to develop healthy sleep habits.

I have always wondered if a child who never learns to sleep through the night ever suffers from insomnia as an adult. Look at the child who doesn't learn healthy eating, this can have an effect on if this child will suffer from eating disorders or obesity. It is so simply complex!

To sleep perchance to dream...

2009-05-10T20:56:00.002-04:00

During Dr. Ken's first visit I had identified 3 behaviors that Jess displayed which needed to be addressed. One of these was sleep. For the past year Jess had been waking up at all hours. I would go into her room and rock her singing her favorite songs softly. Bless Melissa who slept soundly in the next room, she had become so accustomed to Jess' cries.

Fond Memory - I remember going into Jess' room when I was 9 months pregnant with Melissa and trying to sit her on my lap to rock. Jess would sit facing me with her body over my swollen stomach and her head resting on my chest. This one night, Melissa started kicking from the inside and Jess sat up, looked down at my stomach as much to say "What was that?" before getting comfortable again.

Dr. Ken wanted to set up a schedule right away. He felt that we could get Jess to go to sleep after only 1 rocking period at bedtime. This sounded incredible. He asked me what time I would like to put Jess to bed, 7:30pm? I thought 8:00pm would be great. So he suggested that I take Jess to bed at 8pm, rock her for 15 minutes, give her hugs and kisses, say good night and walk out of the room. I would not go back in until morning. I was to be prepared for cries and I didn't know how long they would go for but he assured me that within a week I would see them decrease. That night I looked over her room to make absolutely sure that nothing was left that would cause her any harm. I did as I was told, after all I was desperate! I had to give it a try but I was so scared.

I followed the schedule as suggested and prayed. When the 15 minutes were over, I put her to bed giving her lots of hugs and kisses and then I said 'good night'. I walked out with fingers crossed. Terry was still with me and the 2 of us went downstairs. We actually went down to the lower family room. It wasn't long before we heard her objecting cries. We heard her bang on the door. We listened and timed her. After 45 minutes her cries had stilled. I waited another 15 minutes and then went in to check on her. I found her lying on the floor beside her bed asleep. Gently I placed her in her bed and tucked her in. I was crying. She would awaken a few more times during the night but I did not go in. Within 30 to 40 minutes she would be asleep once more and every time I would wait then check on her always finding her asleep although she would be on her bed. I covered her again and would go back to bed until the next time. It was extremely difficult but I had to give it a shot.

On the second night, after her rocking, she only took 30 minutes to go to sleep. She only woke up twice during the night. On the third night it was 20 minutes before she slept still waking up twice in the night. On the fourth night she didn't cry. She didn't cry. I waited half an hour before I checked as I couldn't actually believe what I was not hearing! But when I went into the bedroom, there she was laying where I had said good night to her with her covers still on! She never cried at bedtime again! She still woke up once or twice in the night but only for a matter of 15-20 minutes and she would fall back asleep. Sometimes I would find her on the floor just inside the door and I would put her back in bed but most of the time she had made her way back to her bed and I would just need to cover her.

Sleep problems are common among children but especially those with developmental challenges. Some typical children will overcome sleep issues through the family bed, 'ferberizing', an active bedtime routine or a downtime bedtime routine. God bless them but for the rest who just have difficulty for whatever reasons whose parents are pulling out their hair, a more intensive approach may be necessary. I encourage any parent whose physical and mental health are suffering due to sleep problems of their child to get help.

Jessica still has nights that are difficult but they are few and far between due to a consistent approach by her care givers.

And So It Began

2009-05-09T10:08:00.007-04:00

I awoke Monday morning exhausted. This was to be the first day of Jessica's program and as she has done for the past year, she had awakened many times in the night. Just like home, I had put a rocking chair in her bedroom and would go in to rock her. This would quiet her for awhile but then she would be crying out again. The past year had drained me like no other. I can manage many things but lack of sleep has a way of catching up with you and I had reached the point where I thought my body was going to cave.

The case worker, Pat, arrived first. Dr. Ken was to arrive about 10am so that gave me about an hour with Pat. Pat had many forms and questions for me to answer. Like all the doctors before her, she asked about the pregnancy and birth. My answers became a recital - a bit of morning sickness that plagued me throughout, lots of pressure in the last trimester, head was engaged for a month prior, epidural worked so well that I had no idea what muscles I was using, forceps came into play, Jess cried instantly and her apgar score was 8-10. She nursed well (included spit up story). She is beautiful but certainly displays behaviors that need to be addressed.

Pat was very patient with me. She was certainly concerned about my extreme fatigue and hopefully they would be able to help with this 'intervention' and the situation would be better for all. I made coffee and Pat met Jess. We had set up an area on the floor with all of Jess' favorite things and Pat interacted with Jess' on Jess' terms. Pat let her lead and followed her cues. She took a couple of notes. The program, she said, is behavior management. We are going to help Jess manage her behaviors and shape them into more appropriate ones.

At this point there was a knock on the door and I let Dr. Ken in. Dr. Ken was a pleasant looking man who seemed confident in how he could help me. Dr. Ken explained that Pat would be coming in every day to help guide me in addressing situations where Jess would display self-destructive (hand biting, head banging) and inappropriate behaviors (extreme tantrums). The first thing he wanted to make clear to me was that this program required me to make changes. I was rather taken aback at this. What was I doing wrong? It was Jess who needed to change and I voiced my concern. He went on to explain that many of my responses could increase inappropriate behavior rather than diminish it. Example: when a child has a tantrum in the store and is given the toy that was denied which caused the tantrum to begin with, that child has just learned that tantruming is the skill to master as it gets him what he wants. This made some sense to me, keep talking. If a parent doesn't follow through on consequences, that child's behavior, that the parent wants to go away - won't.

He asked me to identify 3 of Jessica's behaviors that I would like to work on. Three is pretty much the maximum that should be worked on at a time. I thought we should start with sleeping, head banging and eating (she was over 3 yrs old and still being fed). He explained that we would need to chart those behaviors in a certain way. On a piece of paper he put the headings Date/time - A - B - C - with a blank column to follow after C. He taught me that A stood for antecedent; B stood for behavior; and C was consequence. I would have a new chart every day. And at the end of each day I would put the information on a graph and at the end of two (2) weeks I would present this graph to Dr. Ken who would assess the information and put a plan in place.

These 2 weeks were called a baseline. The information would identify situations (A) that would cause a behavior (B) to present itself which then prompted a response or action (C) from me or anyone else who may be with Jess at the time.

-Now you may be asking yourself, why am I including all this technical stuff in my story. Maybe it sounds a little confusing? Are you a little overwhelmed? I was. I was just a mom of 2 little girls. How could I wrap my head around this? Much less do it? What Dr. Ken was advising me to do seemed so cold, at times neglectful.

Dr. Ken wanted me to reduce my eye contact with Jess. He wanted me to understand that this was a form of attention which children seek out no matter what. Did you know that a parent who beats their child may still be loved by that child because the parent is showing them attention? That sounds bizarre! I would never think of harming my children but even giving eye contact to a child when they are in the throes of behaving badly will make that behavior increase because of the attention you are giving them!

This sounds crazy but I could definitely see where, in most situations, this is true. Don't we remember 'the look' our parents would give us when we knew we had stepped over the line? If we got 'the look' we knew to stop what we were doing because it was something our parents did not approve of. If this approach worked it is only because the consequence was adversive and consistent and that's what prompted us to stop the behavior. But can you also picture the child who looks for your attention when he is about to do something he is not supposed to? What is his motivation to do the one thing you keep telling him over and over not to do? Could it be your attention?

Settling In

2009-05-06T13:36:00.006-04:00

One day, I came early to pick up Jessica from the Child Development Center (CDC). I had left Melissa at a friend's house so that I could talk to the staff on Jessica's progress. Jessica had developed a temper and could display quite the tantrum, right down to banging her head on the floor. It was quite alarming to watch. Whoever was closest would grab a mat and place it under her head. This usually ticked her off more but if you consistently did it every time, she sometimes got the message and she would stop. Another habit she had also developed was biting her hands in anger. She would bite so hard that her hands were swollen and split. I would wrap them as best I could but she would eventually get the wrapping off. If her hands were bandaged when we were out together, people would stare and sometimes come to their own conclusions. I remember one person who thought they had been burned. To go into the truth sometimes was more painful for me so I let them think whatever...

As I watched at the fence all the children at play, Debbie, mother of Megan with developmental delays came over to talk to me. Debbie's Megan had similarities to my Jessica. She had behaviors that needed to be addressed and they had just come back from a behavior program in Ottawa, an hour away. She shared with me her thoughts about how there was a case worker who under the direction of a Behavior Psychologist, would come every day to help you learn to address behavior issues. It was an intense program which lasted 2 weeks and you had to find a place to stay in Ottawa. Debbie believed it had helped her to 'deal' with her daughter's behaviors and Megan had shown a lot of improvement. She gave me the contact information.
When I spoke to CDC staff later that day, I mentioned that I was interested in the program that Debbie had taken her Megan to. They were very positive and thought that any skills I acquired through the program would definitely be helpful at the center as well as at home.

When I got home, I called the number Debbie had given me and reached Rosemary at Thursday's Child. She informed me that they would be able to work with Jess and I but that I would need to find a place to stay in Ottawa. Our friend, Lucy, had a home in Ottawa and was going away. She had no problem with us staying there while she was gone. Perfect!

Jessica was just over 3 years old when we went to participate in this program. Poor Melissa would stay back with Koosh. Shirley and her daughter Kathy were there to help and of course the grandparents chipped in but it was to be very hard for Melissa and I to be apart. Koosh and I made arrangements for him to bring Melissa for a visit the weekend in between. We would go to the park and see the tulips then.

So Jessica and I packed our things and headed for Ottawa one Sunday afternoon. The sun was shining and we found the house with very little problem. I had brought along a helper who worked with her at the CDC, her name was Terry. When we got into the house, we set up a play area for Jess and checked the sleeping arrangements. Jess would sleep in Nadia's room (Lucy's daughter). As we fixed the bed, we both noticed at the same time that there was a hutch on top of the desk. We took a closer look and discovered it was not attached in a permanent way. This was not good. Jessica had taken to being up at all hours of the night and if she could not leave her room, she would destroy it. The hutch posed a severe safety hazard. Terry and I got on each side and began to move the hutch off the desk so that it could rest safely on the floor. Something got stuck and Terry bent to adjust a leg on the floor, just then the hutch and everything in it tipped forward and fell to make a bridge if you can picture it. The bottom of the hutch was on the desk and the top was now on the bed creating a bridge. Terry was not in sight. "Terry?" I gingerly called. Out she crawled from under the 'bridge'. We stood there among books, knick knacks and such which a moment ago had been arranged so beautifully on the hutch and began to laugh. How no one got hurt was a miracle! We set to work putting the items back on the hutch which we had safely put on the floor. If Lucy or Nadia ever wondered what happened I don't remember them saying anything.

After we were done setting up the rooms, we went downstairs to fix supper. Tomorrow we would meet with the case worker and psychologist.

Let's get physical, physical...

2009-05-03T21:08:00.003-04:00

Koosh and I settled down to our new routine which now included Melissa. Melissa proved to be a very adaptable baby, this helped us tremendously due to all the demands of her sister, Jessica. The only major difference where Melissa became more demanding than Jessica was to be fed. When she wanted it, she wanted it NOW. Jessica would look at her vocalizing her needs as if to say "What are you screaming for? Mom always feeds us. What's the problem?" Jessica never 'cried for her supper'. Although, once Jessica started to be fed, she did not want to be interrupted. Melissa was introduced to finger foods and she became a very independent eater. I felt bad, Jess was older but still needed to be fed (which would continue a lifetime) and she was the baby who had to make allowances. There were many differences that would make themselves known to me in time. No wonder friends and family had been concerned with Jessica's progress, now that Melissa was here, I could see what they meant.

Jessica was 21 months when Melissa was born. Even though she was not walking, she had begun to take steps. The doctor thought she would make better progress if she learned to crawl but to date had not shown any interest in that. She had difficulty going from one position to another. She could now sit up but could not stand up. If she was put in a standing position, she could take a couple of steps (complaining through shrieks) but if she fell she could not get up. PT suggested that one of us could lift her belly off the floor by putting a towel under it. This was Koosh's job as he was stronger than I was. While he held her just off the floor, I was to move her legs and arms to mimic crawling. I don't think that either one of us (Jessica included) ever bought that this would work. It's hard to say, and I will probably repeat this thought many times, what Jessica puts together in her mind but I will tell you that when Melissa began to crawl, so did Jess. When Melissa began pulling herself up on furniture, so did Jess.

In order to give Jessica the freedom to get from here to there in a more expeditious manner, she used a walker (banned in most households these days but I considered it most necessary). In fact I had one for Melissa as well. Our house only had one floor and I had put special knobs on the basement door. The 2 girls would run around that house chasing one another. In and out of bedrooms until they would meet face to face in the hall, screech at one another, and laughing head in the opposite direction.

I had Jessica's mattress directly on the box spring on the floor. If she ever fell out of bed, it would only be a 6 inch drop. In the morning, I would take her out of bed and put her on the floor of her bedroom to play while I gathered her clothes together. This one morning I came back to find her sitting in her bed. I believed I must have not taken her out, could senility be setting in? I took her out again and got her dressed leaving her to play. When I returned, there she was in her bed again. YAHOO! I made a big deal of it and she giggled, she seemed very proud of herself. From that point she could get in and out on her own.

Jessica and Melissa were very much aware of one another's presence. They certainly enjoyed each other's company but also seemed to realize each other's limitations. When Melissa was still using the wind up swing Jessica would go close enough in her walker to stop it from swinging. She seemed to get a kick out of Melissa's complaints. Oh and remember that bouncy chair that I thought was broke? Melissa could practically bounce that thing out the door! I couldn't believe her strength!

January of 1983 found Jessica enrolled in a Child Development Center 30 miles away. She was just 3 months over her 2nd birthday. It was believed that a more intensive program, this early, would address Jessica's needs and allow more progress. I was taken aback at first (the denial side of me felt that she did not 'belong' here) by the severe needs of the other children in her 'class'. The staff were extremely empathetic and supportive. Jessica would go there 4 mornings a week. They worked very hard with her and she began to be able to point to parts of her body especially her nose, that was her favorite. Melissa and I would take her in and wait for her, usually going to a park or store. We made the best of it and always enjoyed our time together.

It was while Jessica was attending the Child Development Center that I was introduced to Behavior Management.

MMM

2009-05-02T21:49:00.004-04:00

It wasn't long after that long day of testing that followup appointments were made. Jessica would need to see the physical therapist (PT) and the occupational therapist (OT) on a pretty regular basis. Our first priorities would be muscle strength and motivation. I was still in a state of denial and saw more what she could do than what she couldn't. I marveled at the way she would find me behind her by positioning her flower rattle that had a mirror on one side just so. I mean, that was pretty remarkable! She was making more sounds and had even said "hi".

One thing I should mention before I go to far - at 7 1/2 months I started to wean her from breast feeding. As many of you know, this can cause constipation and boy did it, big time. I knew she was having trouble but it was suggested to give her some prune juice (watered down). One night she awoke in agony. She was screaming in pain! I took off her diaper and it was like she was giving birth. I now had to massage the area and work her legs and finally was rewarded. I could not believe that a bowel movement could be this large and not cause permanent damage. Unfortunately, these kind of bouts did not go away but I learned you could use a Q-tip and Vaseline as a suppository to help the muscles work it out. Stimulation proved to be a very beneficial skill as well. Again the problems she experienced were due in part to poor muscle tone and it took years before she would be able to get through these bouts on her own.

Through her therapists, Koosh and I were given specific exercises to promote crawling and upper body strength. Floor exercises took on a whole new importance and we did them as much as we could. At bedtime I was ready even if Jess wasn't.

At bedtime, Jessica liked to be rocked. There were nights when I would literally fall asleep rocking her and would be awakened by her body doing this jerking motion. She was telling me that the rocking stopped and get going again. Would this baby ever sleep? I just seemed to be getting more exhausted and she never tired. During the day, however she could sleep forever! A friend suggested she had her days and nights mixed up. I would have to shorten her afternoon naps. I didn't have the energy! I realized that they were right so I would let her sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon. Oh my, she was grumpy! It was all I could do to wake her up and then I spent the rest of the day keeping her entertained, exercised and happy. Would I ever feel rested again? The answer to that was yes, after say, another 9 months!

Yup, I was going to have baby #2! How did I tell Koosh? Well, I went to pick him up from work the night I got the news and after he got in the car I gently told him that the diaphragm did not work. He looked at me with this blank look and then he got it. We had talked about having more children but had decided that for the time being, Jessica was quite the handful so we would take some time to make the final decision. We wanted to make sure Jess got the attention she needed. Now, here we were, with the decision already made. I wish I could say we were ecstatic but we had been digesting quite a bit of information on Jessica lately. We were happy, and we would do the best we could with what we had. Life would be good.

I had always wanted a lot of children. I never thought I would have a child with the challenges Jessica had and we had just begun. Fortunately, our family and friends were very supportive. Koosh would visit them with Jess and allow me to get caught up on sleep. Jess was always up for a ride in the car or a walk in her stroller. She always wanted to be on the move unless it was physical. She still had not mastered crawling, even sitting was more leaning.

I bought her this walker that would act as a bouncing chair. It had a very supportive back and you could lock the wheels if you wanted it to be stationary. I needn't have worried. Jess could barely move it. I, of course, blamed the chair. Something must be wrong with it. As for Jess, she didn't mind as long as she had toys to turn over in her hands she was happy. She also enjoyed the wind up swing...until it stopped.

So for the next 9 months, we all would sleep whenever we could. Take turns exercising and playing with Jessica in between doctor appointments for Jessica and I. At least I didn't have morning sickness this time! Even in utero, I felt this baby was different. Not only were her movements stronger, but there were times I felt sure she had invited a few friends over!

About a month before I was to deliver this new little wonder, I spoke to Koosh about what we would name the baby if it was a girl. Since we hadn't used the boys name the first time around it was still up for grabs but we hadn't thought of another girls name yet. We had taken my brother, Michael's advice about the rhythm of a name. It should be balanced in syllables. When I mentioned Jessica for our first born, he had suggested that since there was 3 syllables to Jessica, the middle name might sound better if it had only 1 syllable. That is how Lynn was chosen.

So here we were again, trying to find a good name. We just hadn't zeroed in on anything until one day when Koosh came home from work. He was very excited and he said he had thought of the right name if it was to be a girl. "I was just driving over this hill and I thought of it, how about Melissa May?" That name was the most beautiful name I had ever heard! What a ring to it! Her initials would be MMM how could that not be 'good'? From that point on, I hoped for a girl just so that we could use that name. Although my due date was to be on our 3rd anniversary, Melissa May came a week early on a hot summer day. She was born before the epidural took effect which meant I knew what muscles to push which meant a speedier recovery. She was beautiful. And we were ecstatic!

A bit of who's who...

2009-04-29T20:39:00.004-04:00

I have given you a little bit of background about Koosh and I. I want to introduce you to the Grandparents of Jessica. All four of them had major roles in Jessica's early years.

My parents were known as Grammie and Grampi. Grammie and Grampi had lived in New Hampshire until just before I gave birth to Jessica. They decided to move to Canada to be near Koosh and I especially with a new grandchild on the way. My brother and his wife also lived close by and they had four children. So Grammie and Grampi felt this was a good move for them. It was indeed my dad that formed the caregiver in me. Like myself, he never tired of holding babies and walking babies which I had witnessed on many occasions. I have already mentioned that they were the ones that drove me into my final appointment which led to the birth of Jessica. You could always count on them in a pinch.

Koosh's mom and dad were known as Grampa John and Gramma. Grampa John was already in his 80's when Jessica was born. I am told he never held a grandchild as a baby until Jessica came along. No small feat for an 80 year old! He called Jessica - Jessie Wren and was blind to any developmental challenges she was to endure. He always spoke to her about what he would do with her in the future and he had big plans! Gramma had quite a few health issues but this did not stop her from lending a hand. I can remember in particular one night when Jessica was having one of her screaming fits and Koosh just could not be aroused. I picked Jessica up for what seemed like the 100th time and went to the rocking chair. Beside the rocking chair was the phone. Now it was about 3:00am and with that rocking chair intensely going back and forth I dialed Gramma's number. As soon as she answered she knew who it was by Jessica's cries. I immediately began relating how frustrated I was and how I just had come to my wits end and what should I do now. Calmly and softly she spoke about the day. She talked about how I was feeling and slowly the rocking chair slowed down. The baby in my arms became quiet. Gramma and I talked a little bit longer before I put Jessica back in her bed. I thanked Gramma for being there and said I thought we could all go back to sleep now. Poor Gramma never did get back to sleep that night but Jessica and I slept through to morning.

I think it is important to note that Jessica's grandparents were important people and a strong support system. Along with grandparents, Koosh and I also each had brothers who also had families living near by. Koosh having grown up in this town of Eganville, had many friends who were there for us. Eventually you may have the chance to know them all!

A little background...

2009-04-28T22:42:00.002-04:00

When Koosh and I met, we were both coming out of some pretty serious relationships. We both found ourselves in a place knowing what we did and did not want out of a relationship. We were both very sensitive people who had been hurt and certainly did not want to feel that hurt again. When 2 people have had the same experiences, the same hurts and come to the same conclusions find themselves staring at one another, magical things can happen. We fell hard.

We also discovered something about each other that would influence our life together. We both loved music. Not only listening to music (although one of my fondest memories is Koosh showing up at my door one night after midnight with a Murray McLauchlin album tucked under his arm which we listened to until the wee hours) but also singing and playing our guitars. I wasn't the best singer in my family but man could I harmonize! And Koosh, well Koosh was good. If anyone was having a campfire, you would find us there and between us we had quite a repertoire!

Through our courtship we discovered that we had something that would last a lifetime. Look no further this is it. Don't move, you are there. So when I discovered I was pregnant, it was most logical to get married. And we did one hot summer's evening in July. It was a sad day a month later when I miscarried. There were those who felt we had rushed in to marriage too quickly. It had been only 7 months since we first laid eyes on one another. But the commitment we showed each other during that hard time convinced any skeptic that there was something very powerful between us.

The next six months were ones of recuperation and discovery. For this brief time, we indulged in picnics, visits with family and friends and lots of music. But there was always a part of me that longed to experience another pregnancy. It's an ache to fulfill a dream that was ended too soon. One is not complete until they can say they are with child again. The day I told Koosh that we would have a child was one of the happiest days of my life.

Tests, tests, tests

2009-04-27T20:33:00.002-04:00

Within a couple of weeks an appointment had been set up at CHEO, Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario. Jessica was seen by neurology, audiology, occupational and speech therapy, and developmental specialist and oh yes the optometrist. In layman's terms - brain, ears, large and fine muscle, speech and how does she grow? This makes for a very long day for a 9 month old. Koosh and I were exhausted! I don't know which one of us needed a nap more.

Her brain activity tested okay. She was making a lot of sounds so the speech therapist was encouraged. Her ears were inconclusive as her responses were erratic. The eye test was a hoot. For a child this young they project pictures on the far wall while the child is sitting in the mother's lap. She was so much more interested in what was immediately around her so this test proved inconclusive as well.

It was the developmental department that had the most tasks. Toys were introduced, taken away, hidden, revealed, squeaked, bounced and lets not forget the mirrors. The stimulation was immense. It did show that Jess although interested at times, could care less for the most part. She became very agitated by so much stimulation so I began to sing to her to calm her down. (Music was to be a big part of Jessica's development.)

Needless to say, the tests Jessica went through that day proved that her development was in fact severely delayed. The doctor expressed his belief that her growth would forever be behind and whether her muscles would ever support her he could not say. He felt that if she received some extensive therapy perhaps in a residential setting she may progress.

Excuse me? This child is only 9 months old and you are recommending that we give her up? Koosh and I were numb. This could not be happening. Surely with love and the right kind of stimulation her future would be brighter than that!

Koosh and I said very little to each other on the hour drive home. I was singing a great deal of the time anyway to keep Jess happy. We did know individually that we were a family and Jessica would grow up knowing her family and community.

Within a week, we would receive news that would impact Jessica's development as well as our family.

What's a little spit up?

2009-04-26T14:26:00.000-04:00

Jessica had a very healthy appetite. She would nurse until she burst. I mean that in a very literal sense. Try to stop her before she had reached that point and you were met with screams you would not believe! So I let her go and when she stopped I would lay out the burp cloths for about a 5 foot diameter and wait. Along with the burp came the geyser and if I was rewarded with hiccups after that, then I knew no more would come up. People would ask to hold her and I would warn them and of course the retort would always be the same..."I have been spit up on before". So I would hand her over and the retort would always be the same..."oohhh".

The visiting nurse would come and I would tell her of Jess' need to give up a tremendous amount of whatever she had taken in but she would reassure me that she seemed to be thriving (yes, she was a bit chubby) so not to worry.

At about this time, Jess went for a check up to our family doctor. He heard me out about the spitting up and suggested she go see the pediatrician 30 miles away. I set up the appointment and was seen by a very nice elderly doctor who listened to my concerns and then examined her. His remarks caught me off guard. He wasn't too concerned about her spitting up but her muscle tone was not where he thought a 3 month old should be. He gave me exercises to do and said he would like to see me back in 6 months time.

I went home not too daunted. After all, did I not have one of the cutest babies on the planet? Look at the way I could get her to smile and laugh! She was certainly happy! I shared the visit with friends and kindly and patiently they would point out some things that they felt she should be able to do. She was beautiful, they agreed. But she just didn't seem to have motivation.

Those 6 months went by quickly. I had played my heart out with her. She especially liked her blanket time on the floor. I would roll her this way and that and was indeed rewarded when she went from back to front one day all on her own. That is most difficult so I was sure she was showing progress. She was a very contented child. I could give her a toy and she would turn it over and over in her hands for what seemed hours (although I am sure the clock would disagree but it was a very long time).

At 9 months I brought her back to the specialist confident that he would praise her progress. Unfortunately, like before, he did not seem too concerned with the fact that she had rolled from back to front but was very concerned that she showed no signs of wanting out of her infant seat. "Does she not struggle when she is sitting in it? Does she not distress when toys are beyond her reach on the blanket?" These questions and more I had to answer "no". All the while thinking - 'this is not good'.

When the exam was finished and he had asked all his questions, he turned to me and informed me that Jessica's gross motor skills were severely lacking. She is still a bit young to come to a full diagnosis so I would like to see her in 6 more months. I responded 'no'. I had quickly done the math and that would put her at 15 months and I felt I needed to get a grip on this now. I asked for a referral to the children's hospital in Ottawa. He, of course, agreed and would set it up for me.

Such a treasure...

2009-04-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

I never tired of having Jessica in my arms. Perhaps I missed the closeness of having her within. I just could gaze on her perfection forever. To put her down I might miss pursed lips, a squint of her eyes, a hand clenched and unclenched or better yet - clenched around one of my fingers! I knew I had to get her used to being placed in her bed. After all, I did need to go to the bathroom sometime! She even looks cuter in her little crib! Does she feel me leaning over to gaze as she sleeps?

After sleeping endlessly (2 hours) in her crib, I could not wait any longer and would pick her up just to sit and watch her slowly open her eyes. I wanted to be there when she woke up. Now this may sound rather manic and I would not recommend to everyone but this practice actually served Jessica well in days and years to come. I will explain this later.

When Jess was about a month old, she would cry when she was put down. She would cry before she ate. She would cry after she ate. She would cry, cry, cry. No amount of consoling seemed to work. She would get small relief if she slept in her car bed on top of the dryer. The vibration would calm her somewhat. She mainly would respond to walking; bouncing and walking; bouncing, patting and walking. Up in Canada (possibly in the states as well) we had a product called "gripe water". You would give a crying baby this elixir and it was supposed to provide the baby relief of whatever might be ailing them. Of course I tried it! Experienced mothers raved about the product. It had an awful smell but it did seem to cause the baby burps to emerge. I believe she outgrew the cries and probably would have even without the gripe water.

I mentioned the car bed. Jessica traveled everywhere in it. This was before mandatory car seats. Hard to believe this time existed but it did. If you don't know what one is - an old time carriage without the wheels and handles. A baby could sleep soundly through all kinds of environmental changes. You can clearly see the benefits, as for safety, that was seriously lacking and the protective devices of today are clearly needed. But of course the reasons for such are lost on a sleeping 2 month old.

I'm pregnant?

2009-04-24T06:52:00.000-04:00

Meeting the man of my life was one thing but when I was told I would have a child of my own it was more happiness than I thought I could hold! Yes I felt huge towards the end but by that time I was so mesmerized by the movement within that looks took a back seat.

I remember one night as I read in bed setting the book on my builtin shelf. Deep in the story line when all of a sudden the kick from within sent my book onto the floor! What strength I thought!

It was a beautiful October when the child came. It had been a Canadian Thanksgiving the day before. The day had been filled with friends and family, horseshoes and food. I went in as usual for my check up. Mom and dad had driven me the 60 miles that day to attend to my appointment. My doctor had been a dark skinned handsome man. He had on an ivory cable knit sweater that day. I remember that because as he gave me an internal exam, he accidentally broke my water and I was hoping none had gotten on that beautiful sweater.

After 7 hours of intense labor (begun instantly when the water broke) our daughter was born. Koosh had arrived by now which allowed my mom to join my dad outside my room and she was grateful for this. She had really not been there when her children were born so it was uncomfortable to say the least for her to be keeping me company. She was out the door faster than a speeding bullet!

Koosh had coached me through and now was the time we had waited for. She needed encouragement to come out, her head had been engaged for a month! I had been given so much epidural relief that there was no feeling anymore and all I could do was push and hope the right muscles were working.

She did come and I heard her cry. Such relief when after 9 months you realize your child is breathing on her own. She will never be as dependent on you again and there is a heavy realization to that too. She was the most beautiful little human that I had ever seen. We called her Jessica Lynn.

When I was twelve...

2009-04-23T21:34:00.000-04:00

I was in high demand to provide babysitting services to friends of my dad's. I could just see him at work when a coworker might say he is looking for someone to watch the kids. Dad might have said "my daughter looks after children" and home he would come and sure enough I would get a phone call.

I never minded. I loved children. Years before I would be the one playing with friends' younger brothers and sisters when I would visit them. Looking back I feel that I was very young to be "in charge" of 2 or 3 siblings or babies just home from the hospital. But at the time it didn't phase me at all. Even when I held down full time jobs, I would help friends and family out by giving them a break and allowing them to go out for the night.

Even way back then, I could pick up vibes being put out by children. This one seemed tired, that one was exhausted, he behaved this way because... I always felt like I knew what an underlying problem was, I would address it and children would behave better. Parents wondered what kind of magic I had over them. They marveled that I always knew what to do. But the secret was, I felt the children were letting me know somehow.